| -----Original Message----- From: Garfield, Douglas Sent: Friday, December 15, 2000 5:38 PM To: 'MARK0226@AOL.COM.'; 'FUTZNICK@AOL.COM'; 'HEFLAW@AOL.COM'; > 'BB523@AOL.COM'; 'JSRASK@AOL.COM'; 'VINSON@POSTSHELL.COM'; > 'MCBONE42@AOL.COM' Cc: 'GSFLEISHER@AOL.COM'; Mitchell Yeckes (E-mail); Victor Kline (E-mail); Victor Kline (E-mail 2); Doug Garfield (E-mail) Subject: Pi Lam House Rebuilding Fund Gentlemen: I am writing to you at the behest of the esteemed Victor ("Pic") Kline, > Esq., otherwise known as the poor schmuck from our pledge class who volunteered for the unsung task of trying to squeeze water from the stone known as the Pi Lam pledge class of 1977. Now that the Sunshine State has once again distinguished itself in the eyes of the country (and, for that matter, the world) as the pre-eminent Banana Republic by elevating Dubya to El Heffe status (with a little help from the Supremes), Vic will once again be preoccupied with being Chuck Steinmetz's political whipping boy and sparring partner. (Remember Vic, it is a fraternity/alum website; not a town hall political chat room!). Pic has informed me that in the 12, 24, 36 (you pick it!) months and untold number of foregone billable hours that he has tirelessly worked to get our pledge class to contribute to the house re-building fund, he has exactly four (count'em; or as y'all say down there in Florida, RECOUNT'EM, > Four!) '77 donors to show for his efforts: Yeckes, Fleischer, himself and me!!! Now if that isn't a testament to Victor's razor-sharp, finely honed persuasion and negotiation skills, I don't know what is. Given Vic's success (or lack thereof) with his down-south, folksy brand of fundraising techniques, he has asked that I step in and try some of my New York brick-in-the-back-of-your-head subtlety. (Tasteless reference to recent NYC senseless violent crime incident/trial). Here it goes. Let me clear up a few misconceptions. First, let me state that you do not have to be (nor need you have ever been) a rabid, fanatical Trekkie-type Pi Lam in order to pony up a little coin to the house fund. Whether you have gone to Gator tailgate parties every fall weekend in your Winnebago, regularly practice (or still remember) the secret Pi Lam handshake, or recite the story of Daemon and Pithyus (sp?) to your children every night is of no consequence as regards this current matter. Truth be told, I have not been back to Gainesville or the frat house since I graduated law school in 1985; nor did I hang around there much after 1980; nor do I keep in touch with many Pi Lammies. (Come to think of it, I don't even care that much for many of you guys!) The point is, we all had varying experiences in college that were positively shaped to some degree by our Pi Lam tenure. For instance, without getting too Eliot Kleinberg (Alan Alda)-esque here, to this day when I go to sporting events (like the Knicks- Jazz tonight), I recall the good sportsmanship lessons learned in my Nose Bowl training and flinch every time I see fans cheer for a missed shot or bad play by the opponent, rather than for a good shot or play by my team. OK, so I lost my cool on my kid's soccer field; nobody's perfect. (Of course, the experience did absolutely nothing to help overcome my complete lack of athletic prowess, but you can only learn so much!) Second, you don't need to kick in big bucks to get a wing in the house named after you (unless you want to, of course). Any donation will be greatly appreciated and put to good use. Having said that, if you are willing to kick in at least $1,000 at once (which, by the way, I regard as a large sum of money!), the US government will subsidize your donation to the tune of about 40 cents on the dollar (more on this later). The point here is that it is fuc&$ng pathetic that the sum total of alums participating from our pledge class is only four people. Give what you can if you have even one iota of a positive memory from your Pi Lam days. (e.g., did you get lucky in the house once (livestock doesn't count except for Fleischer); did you form and maintain at least one friendship by reason of pledging Pi Lam; did you get married to someone you met through Pi Lam. OK, maybe we'll skip that last one!). Third, I assume that since you have taken the step of listing your name/e-mail address on the Pi Lam website, that you have at least some passing interest in the goings-on of the fraternity, whether it be past, present or future. After all, if its porn your interested in, there are a lot better places to visit on the web, and there are more things to see that are slightly more titillating than Mitchell's hairy ass. In any event, your wise decision to list your name on the website may very well become your worst "spamming" nightmare unless and until you "cough it up". So unless you are that hard up that you actually want me to become your pen pal, take action sooner rather than later. Fourth, do well by doing some good. If you are in a position to make a donation of $1,000 or more, consider giving it in lump sum. In that case, the donation can be made to the Pi Lambda Phi Educational Foundation Inc., which is a qualified charitable organization. Depending on your tax bracket, you will be greatly subsidized by the tax deduction that Uncle Sam provides (upwards of 40%; or, if you live in a state like New York and pay state taxes, closer to 50%!). This is the prime time of year to do your tax planning; besides, how many Internet stock capital losses can you take anyway (sorry, undoubtedly a sore subject with many.) In addition, the foundation will take a donation via credit card. (Think of all those miles! You could go to the Caribbean compliments of Pi Lam). Finally, if your employer has a matching charitable gifts program like mine does, you can get a multiplier effect from your charitable donation. If you want further details on any of these finer points contact me or Alan Wunsch at Pi Lam HQ (203-794-9003). In closing, my assumption is that you have some interest in the house and merely need this gentle prodding to get you to move on the matter. In addition, your participation requires very little activity. Just cut a check! You don't have to show up anywhere, you don't need to talk to Jouglass and Mohammed at the rush party (circa Animal House, 1978). Just cut the damn check! Please feel free to contact me if you want any further information. And PLEASE pass this e-mail on to any of our '77 brethren that you know, keep in touch with, etc. I look forward to hearing of your impending participation in the house fund. If not, you can look forward to hearing from me "early and often." Fraternally Yours; Brother Mine Forever; Not Four Years But a Lifetime; May the Force be With You; People, I'm Outta Here, Doug (a/k/a, Red Dot)
H. Douglas Garfield |